Aah, the power of one word.
Today’s word in question is this: Only.
There’s something funny about the word “only”. When our wedding was featured on glamour.com, the headline was “Amazing! This gorgeous wedding only cost $8000!” I know that the writer was comparing it to the average cost of weddings, which is somewhere around $25,000-$30,000, and in that way, the word “only” makes sense.
A couple of instances where the word “only” might not make as much sense are:
- $8000 is only <insert large number here>% of my annual salary!
- I only have $8000 of credit card debt!
- It will only take us ten years to pay off that wedding!
You get the point.
A few people commented on that post that $8000 was still a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding.
Hey- I totally agree! Sort of. Well, do I? I thought I did, but now I’m not sure.
I started out wanting to spend $4000 on a wedding, inspired by our beloved John and Sherry. But our budget was, shall we say, flexible, and in time we decided that since we had the means, we’d rather pay more and do less work (and make our loved ones do less work- although don’t get me wrong; everyone still did a ton of work).
After the wedding we let ourselves play the “What else could we have done with $8000?” game only a couple of times before snapping each other back to reality. It’s not worth it! Sure, we could have installed an automatic sprinkler system, or built a new garage, or started finishing the basement. But our lovely parents didn’t just give us that money* and say “Here, go nuts.” They gave it to us for a wedding.
*Yes, our parents covered the cost of our wedding. I’ve seen commenters (I spent way too much time on wedding boards) say that it’s wrong to “make” your parents pay for your wedding or “expect” them to. Well, we did neither. But when they did, we gratefully accepted their offer and tried to put on an event that everyone could enjoy.
I really had to come to terms with spending that kind of money on an event that would have the same outcome with just a $50 marriage license fee. But with each “Yes, I’m coming!” I got from friends and family, I got more and more excited and realized that hey- this is what life is about. It’s about getting people together for special events, and feeding and entertaining them if you have the means. People from out of town stayed for a few days, and it was so nice to have everyone pitch in to put on the event. It was a blast. This, my friends, is quality time:
However, life is not about going into debt so that you can have the most breathtaking cake or the most stylish dress or Wilson Phillips as your band (although that would be pretty sweet). It’s not about impressing everyone with every detail or having every single hair on every single person’s head in its perfect place.
To continue the soap box, life is not about keeping up with the Joneses, period. If you buy a new boat because the Joneses did, you are dumb. If you buy a new boat because you can afford it and it will bring you and your family lots of happiness, fun, and memories for years to come, you are awesome. It’s the same thing with elements of your wedding. If you’re trying to show someone up by buying a dress from Kleinfeld that you cannot afford, I feel sorry for you. If you buy a super expensive dress because, hey- you can, and it makes you feel like a fairy princess and the most beautiful woman on the planet and that’s important to you, then go you! (We don’t have that priority in common, but still- go you!)
I know we hear this all the time, but it’s so beyond easy to compare ourselves to each other that it’s almost comical. I’ve talked to people before and thought, “What do you do, sit around and make lists of things that other people have gotten and haven’t, and things you’ve gotten and haven’t, and then assign them scores and add them all up to see who should be/is further along in life? Come on! Live your own life already!”
It’s even easier in a way, and less fair, on the internet. When I first started reading home blogs, I hated when people would say things like “This lamp was a steal at $75!” Are you kidding me? I’d think. That’s half of my grocery budget for the month! But you know what? It’s their blog and their life, and for them, $75 is a bargain for a lamp. Get over it, Amanda. It’s like when my friend (Hi Remmy!) says something like “These jeans are only $150.” I just smile and move on to the clearance rack. Remmy always looks fabulous, by the way. That’s a priority for him, and I love having an opinion that is different from my own. And who knows- maybe one day he’ll get me to splurge on (after saving up for, of course :)) a pair of awesome, life-changing jeans.
I guess that the point of this post is that budgets are an intensely personal thing. And I don’t mean that it’s something that must never be talked about. On the contrary, I believe that you should talk about personal things with people you trust, and perhaps in a more general way, with people who read your blog. It’s a great way to grow and learn (as long as you do learn and resist the temptation to simply compare).
But when it comes to specific amounts, only you can decide if $150 is a good deal for a duvet cover, or if $250,000 is a good deal for a starter home, or if $8000 is a good deal for a wedding.
Since there is no wedding-related debt, our parents were willing and able to help, and it turned out fantastic and we loved seeing everyone, to us $8000 for our wedding was worth every penny.
PS- If anyone is curious what we would have done without our parents’ help, here it is: We would have had a simple ceremony up in a canyon with a very small number of people, and then taken people out to dinner (a much smaller group than attended our wedding). I would have worn a cheaper dress and we wouldn’t have had any groomsmen/bridesmaid/kids’ attire, no flowers, half the invitations, no decorating, etc. It would have been less stress and really fun, but we’re really glad that we had the opportunity to put on the event that we did.
So, did anyone make it through that whole post? Do you guys struggle with comparisons like I do sometimes? How do you keep society’s “only” in perspective with your “only”?
August 3, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I’m with you, totally! “only” can be very subjective. I wish I could be cavalier about “only” $499.00 for a 42″ flat screen tv. Just can’t get there.
August 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I think your wedding should be exactly what is right for YOU! And it sounds like you hit upon that practically perfectly.
August 3, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Just enjoy your beautiful day without the comments from the peanut gallery. You always seem so level headed.
August 3, 2011 at 6:08 pm
Hey! My non-Apple computer is letting me comment now! Yay! Silly iPad. 😉
You’re so spot on with everything you’ve said here. Loved it. Oh, and do you think that maybe if we had a double wedding (you + Stan, me + Jesse) we could have afforded Wilson Phillips to perform at the reception? Or maybe just Carnie? As I say with lots of things with our current wedding, “For our next wedding I’ll do that…”
August 3, 2011 at 10:43 pm
The difference between your wedding and other weddings (and really you and other people in general) is that you viewed your wedding as a way to get people who love you together. It wasn’t a giant ball of stress and freaking out and making everyone kinda miserable which is why everyone wanted to stay around and hang out, something not seen at Utah weddings…ever. It was beautiful, and that’s why you made Glamour.com, but the Glamour folks could only guess how laid back and enjoyable it really was. Best. Wedding. Ever. I was grateful to be there.
Also the national media/Glamour readers have NO CLUE how delicious Cafe Rio is.
August 4, 2011 at 8:13 am
You are so durn nice.
August 4, 2011 at 4:24 pm
I wish I could facebook like this comment, because it’s spot on.
August 3, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Yeah, life is about using what you have to create happiness, preferably for others as well as yourself. Looks like you did that. I bet it made your parents really really happy to give you that wedding. Sounds like it made your guests, happy, too. And it made me happy to read about it, because it looked so sweet and genuinely fun. You can *only* get married like that once. Good for you that the way you did it was just right for you.
August 4, 2011 at 10:29 am
Time = Money. Some of us have time, others have money. Few have both! I like when you said, “we’d rather pay more and do less work” because we know less work means less stress.
You’re going to remember that day for the rest of your lives and you can’t put a price on that.
I loved seeing the photos and think it’s so cool you showed up on Glamour!
August 8, 2011 at 11:30 am
Your wedding was so beautiful I can’t get over it. And you’re totally right, $8000 is still a lot of money but someone’s budget is very personal. It’s so exciting to have been featured by Glamour though! That’s got to be fun 🙂
August 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm
SO well said. I also struggle with “only,” but I don’t want to judge others either!
Congrats on being featured in a magazine! That’s awesome. 🙂
August 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm
I think this post is spot-on, simply because you’re so right – budgets are totally personal.
I always am amazed at how much weddings cost, but at the same time it’s a once-in-a-lifetime party for friends and family and celebrating the good things. Congrats on the feature!!!
March 20, 2015 at 6:03 am
I keep looking at your blog. My daughter is getting married at Cactus and Tropicals Draper location in May. Your wedding pictures are inspirational. I wish we were friends. I wish you were out wedding planner.
March 22, 2015 at 7:59 pm
Hi Robin! I kind of wish we were friends too. I wouldn’t mind taking a walk down memory lane and helping plan another wedding. Or would I? I’m not sure. Weddings are stressful. Feel free to ask me any questions you can think of and I’ll do my best to help!